Today's run was more out of mental necessity than physical fitness. I'll explain. Do you ever have those days... you wake up, and something feels... different, somehow? Nothing has changed, nothing has really even happened, but you feel different? I know this is a vague and obtuse explanation, but it's the best I can do, really. 

I woke up this morning, and mentally, I was scattered. My focus? Shot. My capabilities to put together intelligent thoughts? Gone. 

What is with today? 

So, after blundering around the house for a few hours, I figured a run would help to clear my noggin of all that was in it. 

Sort of. 

Lately, I've been using part of my run time to talk to God. Not like, "Oh, God, when will this be over?" but more of a, "Hey, I'm out here in this wonderful world that you created, and I feel like it's a good time to have a chat with you." 

In high school, and even in college, I was pretty spiritual. I won't say religious, because, as much as I love Catholicism and the Catholic church, there are some things I don't necessarily take stock in. But I always felt a strong connection to God. And then around 25 or 26, I just sort of lost it. I can't explain it. Maybe it was frustration. Maybe I just felt like God wasn't listening anymore (He is a man, after all). I don't know where it went, but it went. 

But after a few years and a lot of soul-searching, God and I reconnected around April of this past year. Maybe turning 28 gave me a kick in the pants, I don't really know, but I started talking to Him again, and we've been on pretty solidly good terms ever since. 

So on this Sunday morning, it seemed like a good time to have a chat with the big guy upstairs. 

Another wonderful thing about running is it gives you time to connect, to focus, and to think about what's really important in life. It gives you a chance to reflect and imagine and make important decisions. 

My decision? Life is too short not to try. So I will try my best when I run. And I will try other really potentially scary things to. Because at least I can say I tried. 

So even though there was no verbal response, gaining that clarity might be just what I needed. Great convo today.

Today's question

I had to run nine miles this morning. It was not easy. It was not fun. And somewhere around mile 6.5, I had to start asking myself, "Why am I doing this?" 

Let's talk about what went wrong: 

1. My legs, although running at a fast and furious pace, did not seem to be propelling me forward.

2. I had a hard time talking myself through it with encouraging words, so instead I started, OUT LOUD, saying things that I was seeing. "Snow." "Cars." "Rocks." I am not kidding. 

3. Around mile 5, my left knee started throbbing. I was unsure if this was due to the run or the small (read: GIANT) tumble I took on New Year's Eve. Regardless, it went numb a few miles later, so, I suppose that's something that went right. 

4. The all black running outfit was attracting a little more sun than I would have liked... making my normal amount of sweat intensified, even in winter. 

5. My iPod wasn't shuffling anything inspiring. Nine mile run = 91 songs. (For the record, I didn't LISTEN to all 91 songs. I'm slow, I'm not THAT slow.)

Let's talk about what went right: 

1. I got the run done. Nine miles is nine miles, even if it's not pretty. 

I think it's time to remind myself why I'm paying money to run for 13.1 miles. 

1. I am doing this to take on a challenge. 

2. I am doing this to prove to myself that I can do this.

3. I am doing this so I can eat an entire Hacienda mudslide by myself in one sitting and not gain weight. 

4. I am doing this because the feeling of accomplishment after a long run is like nothing I've ever experienced. 

5. I am doing this because there are so many people -- young, old, and in between -- that never get the chance to run a half because of physical limitations. I am running this for every person who CAN'T. 

Well, crap. Number 5 is why I keep going... even when my legs feel like jello. Must. Remember. This.

UHLH Phenomenon

So, lately I've been noticing something when I run. I'm calling it the upper half/lower half phenomenon. There are days that I literally feel like the upper and lower halves of my body are two totally separate entities. One day, my lungs will be screaming at me while my legs feel like I could go for miles. More often, though, my legs feel HEAVY and pained while my upper body is just chillin'. 

I don't know how to describe this phenomenon except to say that it literally feels like I'm working with two halves from different bodies. I feel like my upper and lower halves are disconnected. There are moments, and maybe it's because I'm so focused (but not likely), that I feel like my upper half is staying still and my bottom half is hoofing it along. 

Do you know this feeling? It's entirely odd. It's feeling two conflicting things at the exact same time. One part of me is calm, silent, and focused. The other part of me is crazed, all over the place, and feeling unnatural. 

Whoa. Is this a metaphor for my life?

Finding the time

I have always worked hard at time management. Procrastination has never really been my thing. I don't live for that operating-under-pressure feeling that many other thrive under. I am the queen of the to-do list -- I have my list with me at all times and will squeeze things in whenever I can. I LIKE being good at time management. I get a thrill when I can cross something off my list. (Yes, I accept the fact that I am a total dork. Moving on.)

Three years ago, I was teaching full time and working on my master's thesis (a glorious, 70-some page document) while teaching Jazzercise classes five days a week. I remember thinking to myself, "Gee, self, you'll have so much more time once you're done with this." Well, the thesis came and went and I've even cut back on the number of Jazzercise classes I teach a week and I STILL manage to fill every minute. 

That being said, I really wish I had more time -- more time to read, rest, make creative lessons for my students, and spend with my friends and family. 

I read a study online today that said the average American is on Facebook for 23.5 hours a month. That's a LOT of hours! What could I do with a whole extra day of hours each month? I'm guessing a lot. Now, let's just be honest. I'm not getting rid of Facebook. It's a mental break for me, and I thoroughly enjoy that. But, it still got me thinking about how we as humans spend our time.

Many people have asked me, "how are you finding the time for this?" 

Truth be told, I don't know. I just... am. I'm scheduling it in, just like I do with my Jazzercise classes or meetings or appointments. If it's on the to-do list, I do it. That's just how I operate. If there's a day when I can't get it done, I try to get it done the next day, and if I can't get it done then, I skip it and try my best to let it go.

I'm not trying to downplay it, like, "oh, everyone has time!" I don't think everyone has time to train. There are many nights I don't get home until 12 hours after I left my house, and there are many weekend mornings that I plan around my running schedule. I don't have anyone else counting on me, like, children, for instance, who need food and homework help and attention (for those of you who train while being parents, you deserve one medal for doing the race and another medal for doing the race while being a parent -- Seriously. You're my heroes, and will have to teach me how to do this someday.). In that respect, I get to be selfish with my time right now, and that's extremely helpful to my training schedule, because I can't say I'd be as dedicated if I were in a different place. 

So, yeah, I could use a whole lot more hours in the day. But even if I had them, I probably wouldn't devote any more time to working out. There are just too many other wonderful things out there that I'd want to partake in. 

Sweet dreams? Stress dreams.

Last night (or maybe this morning), I had my odd, reoccurring dream. This is odd for two reasons: 1. I hardly ever remember my dreams (maybe once or twice a month), so this was a triumph in and of itself, and 2. The dream is weird. 

The dream goes like this. I'm back in college (at Saint Mary's, the most wonderful college to ever exist), and I'm in some sort of class. But, at some point in the dream, I panic because I realize there's a class I signed up for that I haven't been going to all semester and now I'm totally screwed and am going to fail the class. Naturally, on my way to resolve this, I stopped at the Haggar Snack Bar (which no longer exists) for a bag of popcorn and a pop. And then I always wake up with the dream unresolved. I never quite make it to the academic building to sort everything out. 

This is the third time I've had this dream. 

Now, I have to ask myself, "Self, what is it that is causing you this dream?" I graduated college in 2005 and got my master's in 2009 and clearly being back in college isn't on my radar right now. So then I have to wonder if it's something having to do with work (being that, you know, I'm an educator and all). Is this some kind of metaphor for feeling ill prepared for the week, the month, the trimester? I suppose that could be it. Rarely do I ever feel COMPLETELY ready for anything at school, because I never know what the curriculum, the weather, or life may throw my way. 

Additionally, since Christmas Eve, at various points, one or both of my eyes have started twitching. It's awesome. There's no real reason it begins. And I'm sure no one can see it, but it's SUPER annoying. 

I blame all of this on stress. Holiday stress. School stress. Life stress. Stress stress. 

But a little bit of stress if healthy, right? I certainly hope so. 

Let's talk about gear

The snow hasn't stopped since it started last night. This does not bode well for our first day of school in 2012 (scheduled for tomorrow). Nevertheless, miracles happen, so we'll see. I know my students are just DYING to come back and take their Huck Finn final assessments. 

I awoke this morning in a great mood, ready to tackle the last day of break. Thankfully, my NYE hangover was also a semi-distant memory, which helped (reminder to Angela: lay off the booze leading up to the race). Because of the crummy weather, I was relegated to the elliptical this morning. Definitely NOT the same as running, but better than nothing. I have no real running related posts right now, so I went with THIS instead. :)

For the new year, I bring you a pictorial of all of my favorite running things, so far. 

Shoes: My Mizunos... I adore these. I also adore this picture that Lars took for me. 

Clothes: If money were no object, all Under Armour. Otherwise, Target's Champion brand does nicely! 

Training Manual: The Non Runners Marathon Guide for Women. The writer is sarcastic, witty, and a real runner -- not a pro who is used to it coming naturally. Plus, she has a 20-week training program which I really prefer than some of the shorter schedules. 

Gum: Stride, Spearmint. This is a must. I have started bringing extras on my runs. 

Snack on the Run: Jet Blackberry GU. Find the flavor that works for you. This one doesn't make me want to throw up after I've already run six or so miles. In my opinion, that's a win. 

Snack after the Run: Banana, Almond Milk, Vanilla Protein Powder, Cocoa Powder, and Ice, blended -- Yummo! 

Obviously, I am being paid to endorse all of these products. JOKE! But I do like to try new things, so if you have other suggestions, I'm all for them! 

It's coming...

I knew it was bound to happen. We've been so lucky to make it through the winter with such little snow thus far. But the wind and snow that is currently beating against my front door is a solid reminder that I am NOT excited about the white stuff looming in the not so distant future. 

Let me clarify: I am not a winter person. I'm always cold, so this season does little to help with that. I don't like ice. I don't like snow. I don't like walking or driving in the ice and snow. I don't like bundling up to walk to the mailbox. 

I despise shoveling. 

There is exactly one winter outdoor activity I DO enjoy, and that would be cross country skiing. But that alone is not enough to make me like this season. 

I was supposed to run five miles today, but after the eight miles yesterday and suuuuuper high heels last night, I think my legs needed the day off. Unfortunately, the forecast is calling for 5 to 10 inches of snow over the next day or so. So, unless I can beat the nastiness tomorrow morning, I'm going to have to figure out what to do for the next several weeks of running. It will certainly make training interesting! 

Although I'm not really one to make New Year's Resolutions, I have decided that I want to try new things. 2012 is already shaping up to be a fantastic year, and anything I can do to add to that is a good thing in my book. So, on the agenda, the half marathon, some fun travel opportunities, weddings, new babies, and a whole lot more. Bring it. :)